Don’t get me wrong. I’ve only been married three years (this coming August), but I’ve learned a few things. Things both interesting and strange, about myself and about the strange, wonderful, life-long partnership in which I’ve found myself. I’m not sure when I became fully aware of it, just that I suddenly found it necessary to tell everyone.

I found myself getting annoyed in increasingly smaller periods of time. Not just annoyed, but annoyed for stupid reasons. Whenever my wife sneezes, for instance. I don’t know what it is. The volume, the timbre, or the particular KIND of sound. But for just a brief moment, I feel as if she has done this thing with the sole intention of angering me. Also, she has the hiccups right now and I want to slap her.

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself, too. On That 70s Show I once heard a character say “being a man means doing stuff you don’t want to do”. Sure, it was for comedic effect, but it’s actually pretty true. Don’t want to wake up in the morning to go to work? Don’t want to hold your wife’s bag while she tries on clothes? Too fucking bad, son. You’re a man now and that’s what men do. Put on your big boy pants, pony up, and get that shit DONE.

Getting married provides excellent motivation, I find. Before I got hitched I was working a shit job in a small village and going nowhere. Who would have known that just four years later I’d be owning my own house! This sort of thing doesn’t just fall into one’s lap, however; this sort of thing must be ACCOMPLISHED. Do I sound like I’m bragging? Maybe I am.

I also learned how to shut my goddamn mouth. There are plenty of times when I feel as if I have the Perfect Thing to Say. Were this any other universe, were I in any other position, I would say It, but no! I am a learned man now, wise in the ways of the world. I have learned the wisdom in shutting the fuck up. Sometimes it’s simply best to nod your agreement and proceed. This particular philosophy is applicable to life in general, I find.

To enter a marriage is to enter into an existence inexorably bound to another. You function as a single individual in many respects. Some might argue that one might give up a degree of autonomy for this rare privilege. Not so, I say! The desires of the one quickly become the desires of the pair, even if the other one was previously unaware of it. Strange how that works, I know, but you get used to it pretty quick. It’s actually kind of nice.

In conclusion, there is no ‘I’ in ‘team’, but there is ‘meat’, and meat is delicious.